Apocalyptic Reality: Apple WWDC 2023, The Death of Wallets & Free Time
Here we go again, folks. The Worldwide Devastation of Cash Conference (you may know it as the Worldwide Developers Conference) is upon us and our wallets are quaking in their leather folds. Get ready to mortgage your house, sell your car, or trade your firstborn child to Apple. And hey, at least in the post-apocalyptic, cashless society Apple seems to be hurtling us towards, we’ll all be having a good time in virtual reality! let’s begin and see what’s new at Apple WWDC.
First on the chopping block is Apple’s highly anticipated Reality Pro,
which seems to have been created with a single purpose in mind. To ensure that no one ever has a reason to leave their home again. What could possibly go wrong? Social skills? Who needs ’em! Welcome to a world of augmented isolation. Here you can be an antisocial genius in 4K resolution, right from your couch. And with an external battery pack and two hours of power, you’ll have just enough time to lose all your friends. At a rumored price tag of $3,000, it’s a steal. You’re basically being robbed by Apple. I guess it’s just part of living in the Matrix.
Apple’s iOS 17 and iPadOS 17: A Gateway to Cyber Insecurity?
Next up, we have the 15-inch MacBook Air. This mammoth machine, apart from doubling as a pretty efficient space heater, will ensure that your workload also expands to match its supersized screen. The MacBook Air’s big selling point? It’s big. Just remember, larger screens also mean larger PowerPoint presentations. So, rejoice, you workaholics!
In the world of software, iOS 17 and iPadOS 17 are rumored to be enabling sideloading. Basically, Apple is graciously giving you the chance to turn your secure device into a malware magnet. So, now you can enjoy your newfound freedom while your device enjoys its newfound viruses. You asked for it, and Apple delivered, with a side of cyber insecurity.
iOS 18 Introduces Mood Tracking: Your Phone as Your Therapist
Speaking of the new iOS, Apple has also decided that we’re not neurotic enough about our health, so mood tracking is being introduced. Now your phone can join your mother in asking why you’re still single and telling you that you’re looking tired lately. Siri will soon not just be your personal assistant but also your personal therapist!
watchOS 10 is rumored to be redesigned around widgets, meaning you can now obsess over miniature versions of your apps in a glance. It’s like peeking through the keyhole to the immense void of your rapidly diminishing free time. Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?
And let’s not forget the mysterious macOS 14. I’d tell you more about it, but Apple is being typically tight-lipped. Like a plot of a new Stephen King novel, all we can do is wait for the horror to unfold.
Apple WWDC 2023 Recap: The Dawn of the M3 Chip Era
Lastly, we have the rumor of a new M3 chip. Because what we all need is our devices running faster and more efficiently, while we lag behind, forever trying to catch up.
So, there you have it! The latest from the WWDC 2023. Just remember: Apple may take your money, devour your free time, and leave your social skills in tatters, but at least you’ll be doing it in style! Cheers to our dystopian, tech-dominated future!
