Apple Takes a Bite Out of Retail Teams – “You’ve been Apple-liminated!”
Cupertino, California – In an unexpected turn of events, Apple Inc., the world’s most valuable fruit-themed tech company, has decided to eliminate a small number of roles within its corporate retail teams. It seems the juice just wasn’t worth the squeeze. And of course, the Apple job cuts massacre begins.
With sleek design and ruthless business practices, Apple has set its sights on its development and preservation teams. The same team which constructed and maintain Apple retail stores and other facilities. This latest streamlining effort is aimed at improving the upkeep of Apple stores globally, presumably to avoid a bad reputation.
The exact number of positions being eliminated remains unknown. But sources say it’s likely very small – just like the storage capacity on the base model of the new iPhone.
Apple Job cuts Amidst Company Restructurings
While the company insists this move is more of a pruning than layoffs, affected employees have been offered the opportunity to reapply for similar roles. That’s assuming they can still afford the latest Apple products on their reduced salaries. Those who do not secure a new role will receive up to four months of pay. Which will give them enough time to contemplate their future in a world dominated by Apple.
Management roles are also being axed, with some managers potentially being rehired as individual contributors. Though likely without the same compensation. In essence, Apple is giving them a taste of the forbidden fruit by demoting them to lower positions.
This recent move is quite surprising, as Apple has largely held off on corporate layoffs, even as it trims budgets and pares back much of its contractor workforce. Although Apple’s peers, including Amazon.com Inc. and Alphabet Inc.’s Google, have cut tens of thousands of jobs. Apple however, seemed to be immune to the layoff plague until now.
As the tech giant continues its quest for world domination, the unlucky few who have been “Apple-liminated” may be left wondering if they’ve just been bitten by the very hand that fed them.
